Today's thoughts.

I went to the visitation before the funeral today. I didn't stay for the funeral for a few reasons. One was that my back was/is killing me. Another is that I have to work (really a lot today!). Also, and probably the most important, is I don't handle funerals well. I guess nobody does. I'm feeling kind of vulnerable right now for a couple of reasons. One is that it is that time of the month and I've recently went off my antidepressant because I was not feeling depressed. I've read a book on cognitive therapy which helped with that and I think maybe getting off the gluten has helped with the depression, so I don't think I'm depressed, but I do feel a little bit down at the moment. There's the after-Christmas slump, the after-Christmas fatigue, the fact that my aunt died after months of terrible suffering and it all leads up to my not feeling like I could do it today. I would have stayed if I felt that my presence mattered a lot to the family, but there was such a huge crowd, I didn't think they'd even notice if I slipped out. So, right or wrong, I did. I feel a little bit bad about it. I'm going to try and get a bunch of work done today and also try to get in a little bit of rest and maybe once I'm not as tired, my back will stop hurting and maybe then I'll get some of my good humor back. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully a better one. I'll try and think of ways that I can reach out to my uncle and cousins in the coming weeks, to let them know how much I do care about their loss.