Bad Mom Confession.

I was raised to be polite, not interupt, show interest in others by listening to them talk, nodding encouragement.  I was taught not to say "shut up" because it's rude and before I had kids, I just knew I'd never say that to them.  But I have. 

Let me explain.  I have the most wonderful children in the world.  I really do.  But two of them, the boys, are talkers.  They'll talk for hours if not interupted.   About video games or Yu-Gi-Oh cards or legos or robots.  Some of it is interesting.  Some of it is really facinating.  They have great minds and I love a chance to gain insight into their personalities.   I love my sons dearly and want to listen to them.  I realize they'll be grown up before I know it!   However, no matter how interesting it is or how much I love them, I start to feel a need, after about half an hour, to have one of my own thoughts, to think about my stuff, to plan what I'm going to do.  To go to the bathroom or maybe to go to sleep.  I start to feel like the words are just flowing over me, flowing past me, going on and on. 

When my oldest was little, we had a toddler bed in our room that he slept on.  I was pregnant with his sister and working at a hospital.  My husband was gone to work at this time (He always has had horrible work shifts.)  We'd lie down and I'd immediately go to sleep.  Instant sleep has, until lately, been one of my gifts.  Then my son would wake me up by talking.  Then I'd go to sleep again.  Then he'd wake me up again.  This would happen about 20 times in half an hour (not kidding).  I'd wake up, say something like "Honey, mommy needs to sleep so you need to stop talking now."  then a minute later "Sweetie, you need to stop talking."  At one point I remember actually crying and saying "please, please, just STOP TALKING" and finally one fateful night I said it "SHUT UP!"  He really had no experience with the words and his goal was to keep me awake until he went to sleep so he was undeterred.  He paused for a second, then went on.  So really, even though this felt like a big deal to me, it wasn't to him. 

My youngest son is the same way.   Talk, talk, talk.  I had some trouble grocery shopping the other day because I took him with me and he talked the entire time, when we were driving, through the parking lot, into the store and back home again.  Non. Stop.  I forgot a lot of things because I just couldn't think.  I went to Mom and Dad's to tell them something and I had to interupt him to be able to do it.  I told him to go watch TV.  (They have cable.)  Another bad mom moment.

Anyway, I just wanted to confess this because I feel bad about it.  I feel guilty every single time I have to interupt someone to say what I have to say or answer the phone or go to the bathroom or work or get back to the subject in school ...

So there's my confession.  Just keeping it real.